Getting out, Good or Bad? Will there be more funny stories to tell?
For our long time readers you know drinking stories came from “True Lies from Traveling Soldiers”. We are a small group of degenerate, partially functioning, alcoholics who have been in the military long enough to collect a tone of funny stories from around the world. One of our writers recently got out of the army expecting to see rainbows and unicorn vaginas but that’s now quite how it went.
The day finally came, I got my paperwork and I was out the door. I said a long list of F yous and some eat a dicks and I hit the road. Freedom! That’s what was running through my head. I entered a perpetual state of party where the booze flowed so smooth I felt like I was in a dream. After a few weeks I finally sobered up enough to feel the pain of a hang over and realize that I needed to get a job. JOB?
I hit the ground running, 10-15 hour days behind a computer, meetings to get ready for meetings about meetings. My few, very precious weekends off were spent at home watching porn on my computer, so some how my subconscious related “computer screen” to “boner” and I got wrote up for three sexual harassment charges in the same week (come on ladies boners are not sexual harassment, you should take them as a compliment). Then it hit me, the whole world sucks! The civilian world is no better than the army, you just have to spend more money on dress clothes. “Holy shit,” I thought, “if I see another power point slide I am going to flip my shit”. I left work right then, I passed my boss in the hall and I must have had a get bent look on my face because he would not even look me in the eye. I found the bottom of a plastic bottle of vodka that night and ended up on the floor of a hotel room with the lights off rocking back and forth. That’s it, there is no funny ending! I woke up on the floor of the hotel wandering what to do with my life…. Now what? Where will my future funny stories come from?
Stories, why is it so hare to be good?
What would you do if you were stuck in purgatory without booze or the opposite sex? In the absence of booze and women we (“we “refers to my infantry unit waiting for a ride home) power watched 4 seasons of Rescue Me, the TV series on FX staring Denis Leary who plays the part of a NYC fireman post 9/11. I had trouble getting into the first few episodes however after the third I was hooked. As I got further into the story it really began to appeal to me. Each season brought additional tragedy and drama, which seemed to draw me in even further. After a particularly tragic episode I found myself asking, “why do we like this so much?” “What makes these stories so appealing that we give up sleep to continue?” Then it hit me, it was enjoyable to see people with more disastrous, heart breaking stories and lives than our own, even if it was fiction. The characters had the chance to be home with their families but they couldn’t seem to help themselves, they drink too much and have sex with anybody who says yes.
Many of us have the same problems; the difference to me is that we stay gone to foreign countries for a year at a time. Ya that’s a sorry excuse but it seems to be the explanation we use to justify our actions. On these long trips complete loneliness often settles into your sole, even though there are eight other guys around. All it takes is the touch of a women’s hand, a gentle brush down the middle of your back and the emptiness seems to fade away. The problem is we rarely find ourselves around women without alcohol, then that gentle touch gets turned into a night of debauchery and predictably incredible sex, which frequently makes for an awkward morning and the stories you find on this blog.
Funny Stories: The Dumpster
Rock bottom found me one summer in Wilmington NC. A group of us had traveled to the sunny college beach town to get away from military life for a few days. The drinks started around ten in the AM and kept coming until our funny stories were only funny to us. Night came, we stumbled to the club and danced so hard we started to sober up. The young lady I had become friendly with was not going to accept sobriety, shots started and shortly after came my last memory of the night. I woke up next to a dumpster, I was covered with cardboard and an angry restaurant owner was staring at me. I picked myself up, stopped by a convince store and got a six-pack of Budweiser then stepped out back and chugged two. I finally made it back to the hotel room, there were seven inhabitants by the way, I walked into the room everyone started clapping. I had no idea what the excitement was about so I bowed for the crowd, grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels off the counter and took a long pull. I laid down on the floor and passed out without a word. Instead of asking what the applause were about, telling the truth about the dumpster and that I did not wake up next to a beautiful women I just let it go, no one brought it up again.
Lost in Afghanistan! It’s one of THOSE funny stories
It’s 2007 and I am stuck in Kabul Afghanistan. I was in transit between sites so I did not have a lot to do and we all know ideal hands are the devil’s playground. I was able to get my hands on a nasty bottle of vodka but the taste didn’t seem to slow me down a bit. My buddy and I were chasing down a buzz when we had a great idea (at least it seemed great at the time). We had been passed down a GPS that was rumored to have a great party site on it. I know what you are thinking, party site in Afghanistan ya right. Not so fast, you have to take the Russian mafia (bar owners) into account and the fact that there is a large NATO crowd there. Most NATO countries enjoy an adult beverage during their time off with or without a war.
We “barrowed” a dirty pickup truck that nobody was using and we were off. It was not easy but we found the place, looking back two gringos in a Toyota Tacoma without a gun in Kabul seems a little dangerous. Oh well, the guys at the door were clearly Russian and were equipped with AKs and metal detection wands. The wanded us to make sure we were not armed. They took my buddy’s knife and put it in a lock box, I figured that put everyone inside on an even playing field. They opened the door to the security shed and wow, it was like a whole new world. It was not super nice but it was a Bar, fully stocked with booze and women. Not hookers you filthy pervert! There were tons of people from all different backgrounds and counties just talkin shit and having a good time.
We were drinkin and talkin to anyone that spoke English. Finally a few girls took interest in us, they were Australian and medics, which seemed pretty relevant at the time. Just like any other bigger bar night we started taking shorts. It started with my friend who bought a round for 6 people. Then everyone he bought for felt like they had to buy a round. That was too much for me, about round three my memory shuts off!
I wake up freaking out! I am naked,,, in a bed (all my parts present, very important) by myself in a small room with the lights off. I noticed a light behind a closed door, the door started to open and I was very pleased to see it was my Australian lady friend who was also naked (the door was a bathroom by the way). YES!! I thought to myself, this was not just a celebration based on the assumption of getting laid but also a celebration of life. It was like I totally cheated the system, and maybe death, and won! I am pretty sure US policy says no Americans are allowed to have fun at any time while deployed and I did! Then she spoke and reality hit me, her words… “How are you getting back to your place?” My reply, “I guess that depends on where I am”. She showed me to the door, told me I had nice attributes and I was on my own again.
This is one of the funny stories that end well. My buddy made it back that night; he was lucky enough to get a ride from some brits. The next day he was able to run interference for me and get me picked up from the NATO compound (it took me forever to figure that out by the way). I was paranoid for the entire next day; there was a lot of speculation and even some rumors but never any formal punishment. A few days later I woke up feeling like I had cheated and won! Oh Ya!
Cougars: One of those funny stories that involves a little pain
Most of the fellas reading this have at least attempted to land a cougar. This funny story is about just such a hunt that ended in tears and shame. Oh come on you’ll get laugh.
We were in training in Florida, a welcome change from our usual program. I over heard a local talking about a bar that was full of hot cougars, of course what 25 year old is not going to check that out! These locals knew what they were talking about, there were some beautiful women there. We settled in and started drinking heavily, I was getting to the point of no return so I got up to walked around thinking that would help. About half way around the bar it happened, a cougar clearly on the hunt was looking my way. I wanted to be sure I was the lucky guy so I pulled into an empty spot at the bar; I didn’t really have a cool plan so I just looked her way and she was still looking at me. Oh ya, she was a cougar for sure, sexy, around 40 and fake tits, with my exaggerated beer courage I went straight to her. Once again, I didn’t have anything cool to say I just walked up and stood there hoping she would say something. Trust me there was nothing smooth going on on my part, I did mange to get her name and ask a few questions. Luckily she had plenty to say so I just listened and tried not to act drunk.
The moment of truth came early, the guys came over and said they were leaving and they were my ride. She spoke right up, “I’ll give you a ride if you want”. Yes! I was celebrating in my mind! The boys took off and the next thing you know she was getting her check. She asked if I wanted to go to her house, I was so excited that I could only nod yes.
We got in the door and things got hot fast. We were making out in the living room and the next thing I know we were naked on the couch. Things progress fast and I end up behind her pulling her into me, I am excited so I start pulling her back harder and harder. She starts to scream, I am thinking, oh ya she loves it! Sexy screams start to sound more like agony. The voices in my head say, “ your dick is not that big, there is no way she is screaming like that because of you”. She is scrambling to get off the couch but I had a kung fu gorilla style grip on her and I was pulling her into me like my life depended on it so she was stuck. I let go to see what was going on, as soon as she caught her breath she called me an asshole and showed me the bloody underside of her tits. It turns out those big beautiful fake tits were brand-new and a bloody mess. I had been pulling her still unhealed tit wounds over the arm of the couch. Oh this was awkward, neither one of us had finished so I was just standing there with a raging hard on pointing right at her. After what seemed like an eternity she said, “why don’t you just go sleep in the bed”. I only had an hour before I needed to get back and get ready for training but it was a weird hour!
Discover How To Quickly And Confidently Meet, Attract And Date A Cougar
Like I said it’s one of those funny stories that ends with a little pain, a few tears and a whole lot of shame.
Booze Sex and…… I didn’t know she was married Part 2
This funny story is part 2 of “Booze Sex and…… I didn’t know she was married” make sure you read part 1 first.
Finally I grab my junk at the base, squeeze it hard enough I expect to see the head pop off and fly across the room and I frantically begin to try work the rubber on. By now she is pulling me to her, pushing her mommy parts in the direction of her object of desire and working her tongue into my mouth while I fight off motion sickness and a limp dick. I can feel her breath on my skin and her hands grabbing and pulling me to her as I am working on my flaccid member (example, walk outside and get a rope, lay it out and try to push it, same damn thing).
By now I am doing everything I can to get my hard on back just enough to get inside her with the hope that if I can get a few good strokes the body will take over and I will rise to the occasion. Finally it begins its slow rise to fame and it happens, I break skin. Nothing better than hearing a woman’s sigh of relief (sincere or not) when you get the initial push and have arrived! Thinking that she needs it slow and passionate the pace is a bit timid which only causes her to pull my face to hers and I hear her whisper to me “you better fuck me hard”. Upon hearing that my mind takes over, nausea gone, erection established and I feel my hands grab her legs and push her knees as far back as they will go to provide the proper angle for the violation that is about to take place. She goes with it and exposes her stuff in a way to accept what is about to happen and all at once I push with my toes and lower the boom. Initial impact and I see her head go back and hear her moan out harder which I was happy to oblige and withdraw fully and then return harder with more force than before. Again and again our bodies collide and I am on top of the world and into a rhythm, she is loving it and saying some terrible things that no good Christian girl should say and that is when it happened. I lost all control hearing the awful smut that was coming out of her mouth feeling her nails on my chest and the friction between us I hit climax and did my best to empty both barrels giving her all of the baby batter. Now when you get off and the only parts of your body touching the bed are your hands and feet the initial spasm causes Read More…
Funny story… I got Black out Drunk and Made money..?
The night started with closet drinking; those of you that check out my twitter might have seen a few comments about the subject. Well I pulled off my night of secret drinks and the crowd I was hiding the drinks from moved on. I was left with a bottle of cheap vodka and a computer full of google and endless possibilities. Ya I drank alone, it’s sad but true. Somewhere around my research of a civilian space program things started to get blurry, my last memory of the night was a blurred vision of the end of the world and a titty pic of Halle Berry (not sure if those two have anything in common or not). Anyway lets fast-forward to the next night. I have no Idea how long I was up but I know I did not wake up till 1:00pm. I milled around for a while and then noticed I had a few new emails. I sat down and checked them out, most asked, what did you do last night? I scrolled down and looked at my message then went to the sent box. I had emailed everyone in my contact list. WHAT? Oh great what did I do. So I go back and check what I had wrote.
“Click here to make money, if you don’t I will hate you forever!!!?
Great, now I better check my accounts. I open my credit card account and my PayPal account; usually my online adventures end in some sort of financial transaction. The paypal account had more money than the day before, what the F*%K!? How did I do that, it always works the other way, why was this different?
After some research I figured out I had joined an affiliate based program and emailed everyone I know to join. Here’s the truth Read More…
Benders (for real) Often Create Funny Stories
Do you know what a bender is? I recently had a discussion with a businessman who informed me he was on a bender. I immediately gave him a high five, congratulated him and asked how long his bender had been taking place. He said “ the last two nights”. Really? I got confused and replied, “Do you mean the last two days”? He again repeated, “the last two nights”. Wait a second; in my world a bender means you only stop drinking when you pass out. As soon as you wake up you hit the bottle again. When you stop drinking the bender is over, even if it is just for the afternoon. Drinking two nights in a row, or every night for that matter, is just standard practice in my world. A true bender implies missing memories; sexual encounters that are blurry and often end in at least on person involved denying it happened, poor hygiene, unexplainable text messages, a lost car and that is just to name a few.
I hear lots of funny stories about benders, here is one. I feel this is a much better example. A friend told me of a four-day trip to Bulgaria where he started every morning with two shots of Tequila and a beer then kept drinking through the day. One night his last memory was of dancing with a nice young lady, or at least he thinks she was nice, she did not speak even a little English. He woke up in his hotel room with to his roommate crawling to the phone ordering the usual, four shots of tequila and two beers. He asked what happened with the girl, his roommate recalled the girl being in the hotel but everything was blurry to him as well. To this day he does not know what happened with that girl, but he does recall his fingers smelled a lot like pussy that morning. Months later when he got his disposable camera developed he found a picture of him petting a bear. Yes a bear, it had a mussel on it and seemed to be tame but you would think something like that would have made the long-term memory bank. That’s a bender, not simply drinking two nights in a row. Oh how I wish I could take that high five back!
Legend of the Sober Driver (It’s a Funny story)
When I am drinking and women are not around I end up telling drinking stories, party stories,drunk stories, whatever you want to call them and many of them seem to end with me getting cock blocked by some dickhead Sober Driver. So I tried it once, literally, I have never been the sober guy once. It did not turn out the way I expected.
We show up at the bar, my car full of drunk guys wanted to go to the bar that was full of other drunk guys we knew. When we walk in I notice one of the guys is particularly drunk wearing a Jetpack Tactical Team T-shirt, which I thought was funny (Check it out I found the Store that sells it). I took advantage of his intoxication and convinced him to approach a good-looking burnet siting at the bar. I sat back waiting for the show,it never came. He sat down and they started talking like they were old friends. I approached to see what was going on, he had some how convinced her that he worked for a Jetpack Tactical Team and his job was to test the tactical advantages to jetpacks in a combat environment. WHAT… How is this even possible, did she really believe him? I decided to leave because I did not want my shock to be to blame if he messes this up. I take a look around just in time to catch a bunch of the guys walking out; I guess it takes three jaeger bombs to make people forget they came to the bar with friends. They were excited yelling “there’s going to be a dance off”. Now everyone is splitting up and I am sure to be the sober driver that lost half his friends. Since I am going to end up the being the dickhead either way I decided to join the Dance Off, I was sure it would be hilarious.
We make it across the street; three of the drunk guys almost got hit by oncoming traffic. Finally back in the bar, it’s crowded, elbow-to-elbow. We are making our way through the crowd and I lock eyes, seriously, lock eyes, with a good-looking young blond girl. When I say lock eyes I mean this girl was looking at me with eyes that said, “if you run I’ll find you” but don’t worry I had no intentions of running. She grabbed my hand and out to the dance floor we went, not one word between the two of us just good old fashion butt grinding and droppin it like its hot. This went for a while, then I came to my senses and realized I was still responsible for 4 drunk people and I had no idea where they were. I grab my hot friend’s hand and we take a look around. I see some commotion around the bathroom and think, “that seems about right” so I head that direction. I get there in time to see one of my friends come out zipping up his pants and a not so attractive young lady in tow. Then a bouncer grabbed my friend and begins to escort him to the door. “ I guess I have to go,” I said to the princess whose name still eluded me. “Not without me she replied”, so there we go back to the first bar. I walk in and look around, wow Mr. Jetpack is still working his magic but he is no longer the drunkest of the crew. One of the guys is sitting close to the entrance with his head in his hands. I approach and ask. “are you ok” he mutters something that sounds like “ya just more drink” I know what he meant but there is no way I was getting him another drink. The young blue eyed girl of my dreams and I finally got to talk, but only for a second then one of my drunk friends ran into her spilling his beer all over. We are trying to get her dried off and I notice something strange on the ground. I trace it back to my drunk muttering friend who had just very quietly thrown up.
In a heap of confusion the lights come on and Last call is announced. Great… I can only see two of the four drunk people I brought with me. I step outside for some fresh air and to try and get my new friends number. She offers me a ride, oh I wanted that ride, I wanted that ride more than anything. But I had to decline; to make things worse I did not have my phone on me so I had to give her my friends phone number. Now back to the drunk people search, another assessment, I have a guy that can’t stand up, one that can’t stop laughing because the other can’t stand up. One that is so busy sexting some girl and he doesn’t even know we are alive, and one completely missing in action. The missing guy was the same guy that got us kicked out of the dance off club by having sex in the bathroom with “not so attractive girl”. We left; Bathroom sex guy still missing, I dropped the sexting guy off at the mystery girl’s apartment then two guys back at base. About that time I got a call from bathroom sex guy, went back downtown and pick him up at a hotel where he ran out with a woman’s cloths screaming…. Drive damn you drive. On the way back from down town I had to pick up sexting guy, I guess an hour and a half was enough time for him to get his business done. Then back to base in time for a full day of work. Somehow looking back I had more fun as the sober driver than I often do drunk, however, I never again talked to the blond haired blue-eyed dancing love of my life.
Join the Jetpack Tactical Team, Get a shirt and make your own party stories
Booze Sex and…… I Didn’t Know She was Married
Drinking apparently causes infidelity and broken condoms!
Through my early 20’s I spent much of my time in bars, hell it’s what we do when we are finally old enough to drink in an establishment without having to worry about sneaking in. However on the night in question, now that I think about it, I should have stayed in my room and not given the man upstairs yet another reason to laugh and slam the pearly gates in my face after I get my ass in a bind that I can’t get out of and end up in a pine box!
So anyways on this particular evening my running buddy and I stopped in some small town close to the Mason Dixon Line and decided to take in some of the local flair. So we found a suitable hotel that had a built in bar, no reason to get a DUI and checked in. Now let’s be honest this hotel was in a town that had a population of just over 10 thousand so it wasn’t the Ritz by any means but when you are in your 20’s running water will do. We dropped our bags in the room, I grabbed a shower and got dressed while my partner in crime ventured out to get a feel of the place. When he came back in I asked him what he found and his response was of course “hey I found the bar!” I laughed and listened to his very detailed story of how the waitress Read More…
